Five Stages
by Lifeshandful
Summary: Leslie Shay is there for Kelly Severide in his time of grief. Pre Season 1.


_**Five Stages**_

They say there are five stages of grief – Denial, Anger and Guilt, Bargaining, Depression and Despair, and finally Acceptance. Kelly had been through the denial, the anger still lingered, and the bargaining never came but the depression and despair lasted, but one thing that he was sure about was that he would never accept Andy's death.

Numb. Numb, devastated, heart broken and lost was the best ways to describe Kelly in the days following his best friend's line of duty death, his life-long best friend's death. It was almost mechanical as he made his way through the formalities that came with a line of duty death as he shut out the world around him and tried to numb himself with whatever alcohol he could get his hands on.

Kelly was finally sobering up, it had been days since Andy's death and since the funeral where he watched as his best friend was laid to rest, and where he felt himself lose the two children that he loved as if they were his own. The dull persistent pain that he had been vaguely aware of in his alcohol induced haze was now presenting itself loudly and it made him grit his teeth in pure agony. He had known something was wrong when he was still in the house but his pain and his grief had quickly overshadowed everything, even his own health. But now, in the sober cold, he knew that it wasn't something simple that a bit of rest could fix, it was serious and deep down he knew that it was worse than even he wanted to believe so self-medicating and ignoring it when he could was the next best thing, anything that would keep him working.

His eyes landed on his hand, the movements uncontrollable as it clenched and unclenched on its own, and he wondered how he could conceal it, how he could control it. Fear was a powerful motivator and loss was an even bigger one. He feared the injury and couldn't take anymore loss, not after the death of his best friend, not when the gaping hole in his heart felt so profound.

In his head, his brain reasoned that it wasn't just him that couldn't take another loss but everyone at Fifty One as well, and whilst that was true even he knew that was just a lame excuse to avoid any repercussions or changes.

He stepped into the shower, the water was scolding hot, and he let his weary body slide down the tiled wall until he hit the floor as the large amount of pain relief he had taken finally kicked in and provided only the slightest amount of relief against the agony he was feeling. He positioned himself so that the steady stream of water was landing directly on his neck and shoulder where the pain was radiating from. He hoped the heat would help ease the ache that he was quickly becoming accustomed too. _It's not, _his mind argued back as he gritted his teeth as another spike of pain shot through him making his hand clench uncontrollably that laid limply in his lap. _I need something more for the pain, something stronger than over the counter painkillers. _He let his eyes close as he tried to focus on his breathing wishing that the pain would disappear but his mind had already turned to thinking about how he could get something stronger without needing a prescription as he couldn't have this on his medical record, he couldn't risk the CFD finding out that he was injured. He couldn't be put on disability, he needed to work.

"Kelly?" Shay knocked tentatively on the bathroom door checking in on him as she had done in the days since Andy's death as she was scared for him. She could hear the water running and she knew he had been in the shower for a while as she had heard him walk into the bathroom which was almost forty minutes ago by her count. "Kelly?!" The lack of response was worrying as she called through the door again. "Kelly, I need you to answer me otherwise I'm coming in!" Usually he would have said something by now but there was nothing and the panic that had already settled deep inside her bubbled to the surface.

Shay was relieved to find that he had not locked the door as she turned the handle and pushed the door open, being assaulted by the sweltering heat and the steam that had filled the small bathroom as it rushed towards her. She left the door open as she stepped inside in an effort to combat the heat and eliminate the build-up of steam. "Kelly." She reached in and turned the shower off as his skin was flushed red almost as if it was burning and signalling that the water had been way too hot.

"Kelly, hey, talk to me." She knew something was wrong as soon as she saw him, the way he was curled up, and the way he was gritting his teeth and how pale he was which was not helped by his swallow staggered breathing. But what caught her attention the most was the way he was cradling his arm with his other and had his eyes screwed closed as he was in sheer pain. She reached into the shower and placed her hands on either side of his face, lifting his head so that she could see him.

"I'm okay." The words came out strangled as if it was a struggle through the pain, which pain Shay wasn't quite sure. She had been waiting for the breakdown to come but even she wasn't prepared for it to manifest in such a way.

"Lets get you out of the shower, and then I'll take a look at your shoulder." She knew it had been bothering him, had noticed the way he had kept rubbing at it and digging his fingertips into the muscles in an effort to alleviate the pain that he had felt in the past few days, and she had noticed the way he would clench his hand even though he thought he was being secretive.

"Shay…" He sounded so broken and it tore her apart especially as he opened his eyes and they settled on hers.

"I'm here." She assured him as the seriousness of the situation set in, she knew in that moment that this was not a minor injury but something major that he was going to work through, that he was going to conceal and somewhere deep in her heart she knew she was going to help him.

"He's gone and I'm hurting." It was the first time that Kelly had acknowledged that Andy was dead whilst sober and Shay could feel how much it had hurt him to say, could feel how hard of a fight it had been even to utter those words.

"I know Kelly, I know." There was nothing she could say that would ease any of the emotions he felt, the only thing she could do was look after him and if that meant helping him with an injury on the sly then she would because she knew that he couldn't take anymore loss, that if anything else went wrong he wouldn't survive as he was barely surviving as it was.

With as little movement as possible Shay helped Kelly out of the shower and wrapped a fresh towel securely around his waist as he was still in severe pain even if he wouldn't truly admit just how bad it was. He wrapped his good arm around her shoulders as she supported him to walk from the bathroom to his bedroom. Days of only drinking alcohol had done a number of his body and dealing with the crippling pain had left him feeling weakened and exhausted. Shay helped ease him down onto the edge of the bed that she had freshly made that morning then knelt down on the carpet in front of him as his eyes were firmly fixed on the carpet. Out of the steam and the heat of the bathroom, she got her first proper look at him sober with no front hiding everything that he felt and was thinking as he had finally let the façade he had built fall even if it was only for a short time, and although it was no surprise it still was hard to see as his eyes were red and bloodshot and his cheeks had hollowed while his skin was pale. She had been watching him for days, silently observing, but until this moment she had no idea how bad it really was.

"She blames me. She told me at the… at his funeral… I wasn't on that ladder with him… I couldn't… There was nothing I could do, not when I was caught in the flashover that killed him." He stumbled over his words as the weight on Heather's settled on him and the reality of what had happened on that fateful day set in. There was so much weighing on him, so much which was unfair to be weighing on him. "Casey was the one on the ladder, Casey was his lieutenant and yet she's there cosying up to him, letting him comfort her and the boys… Why Shay? Why Casey and not me? Why am I the bad one in this? Andy was one of my best friends, one of my oldest friends and he's dead and I'm the one being blamed." His breaths were ragged as his chest heaved as he recalled Heather's words, recalled the way she yelled at him that it was his fault with such malice towards him, and recalled the way she pulled the boys away from him as if he was tainted, as if he was some poisonous being whereas Casey was treated as though he was glass and was allowed into the grief, allowed to be a part of their grieving, allowed to hold the boys like they were his own. "Why does he deserve that and not me? Why Shay?" His eyes were wide as he looked at her, begging her to answer, to give him the answers he so desperately needed but she couldn't give him the answers when she did not know them herself although she couldn't disagree with him in regards to Heather's actions, but what he was saying made sense as she had not heard what Heather had said to him at the time at the wake but she had seen from across the room the anguish that it had caused Kelly and the way he had left quickly without letting her or anybody else know that he was.

She could feel her eyes well with her own tears at his distress, at how heartbroken he was, and as much as she wished she could fix it she knew she couldn't. She knew there was nothing that she could say that would take away the pain, nothing that could magically fix him or fix any of it. She reached forward and settled one of her hands on his bare chest, spreading it flat so that she could feel the beat of his heart beneath her fingertips while her other hand found it's way to his cheek which he leaned into. "Grief… grief makes people do stupid things but please believe me Kel when I say you are not bad and she had absolutely no right to say what she did to you… Andy was who he was, and he loved his life, every aspect of it from his career to his family. He loved you Kelly, you were his brother and I know… I know he would not want any of this." She was barely holding it together as her voice shook and she desperately fought to hold back the tears that were threatening to slide down her cheeks. She couldn't cry in front of him, she had to be strong for him.

"Shay…" His voice cracked and made him pause as he hadn't stopped to think that she was grieving too after all her and Andy had been close too given their friendships with him. "You lost him too…" It was all that Kelly could think of, he wanted to comfort her but he couldn't as the guilt set in that it had taken him all of this time to realise that she had lost him too.

"It's okay, I know…" She gave him a soft nod struggling at the turn of conversation before she took a deep breath. "I'm going to get you some clothes so we can get you dressed as you are getting cold." She turned to her practical senses as she could feel his skin rapidly cooling beneath her own. "Then you're going to lay down with me once I get you a heat pack and tell me how bad your injury is." She hated to see him in pain, hated that he was hurting, and she wanted to help at least take some of it away if she could. She waited until he gave her a tired but accepting nod of his head before she removed her hands from him and got up off of the floor knowing he was not moving anytime soon. As quickly as she could she moved to his draws and pulled out a fresh pair of black boxers and a white singlet top for him then she returned to him, getting him dressed with some difficulty as he bit down on his lip in pain as he lifted his arm up to get it on.

"Let's get you up and into bed Kel." She knew he was exhausted as she took his good arm and helped him stand up. With one hand she pulled back the covers and then helped him in, silently rearranging the pillows beneath him so that it would ease the pressure on his neck, shoulder and arm as he watched her with tired eyes. "I'll be back in a few minutes." She told him before she made her way out of the room heading to heat up a heat pack and get him a bottle of vitamin water as she was sure he was dehydrated or close to it. Shay leant against the kitchen bench as she tilted her head back and looked up at the ceiling as the enormity of the situation hit her while she waited for the microwave to finish. She felt lost with all of this but she knew that she would figure it out as she went, for Kelly's sake.

It took Shay a few minutes to get the heat pack ready before she returned upstairs to Kelly's bedroom seeing that he hadn't moved although he seemed calmer then he had before she left. "This should help." She told him once she had put the bottle of vitamin water down as she gently moved closer to him and positioned the large heat pack around his neck and over his shoulder, exactly where he had been digging his fingers into over the previous days and minutes prior as she could see the indents of his nails in his skin.

"Come here." He wanted to hold her in his arm, to comfort her and for his own comfort. The heat pack felt good against his skin and helped to ease the pain that was radiating down his arm and up through his neck although it was still present. With as little movement as possible so she didn't cause him any more pain, Shay moved around the bed and crawled in under the covers with him, curling into his side as he wrapped his arm around her and turned to face her so that they were face to face with their legs pressed together.

"It's serious… I don't know how serious but it will sort itself out." That was one of the lies he was telling himself because he knew that it wouldn't resolve itself. "I can handle the pain when I am on shift, I will just have to take something to help till it heals." He told her although he knew he was already struggling and that over the counter pain medication wasn't even taking the edge off of the pain that radiated through him but he wasn't quite ready to admit that.

"Kelly…" Shay paused as she struggled to form what she wanted to say as she didn't want to alienate him or make him retreat into himself. "I know that the over the counter pain killers aren't even taking the edge off the pain that you are feeling, I can see that you are in pain because I know you and I know what I am looking for… I need you to promise me that if it gets worse or if you need something more that you will come to me and tell me the honest raw truth. I will help you with this in any way that I can but you have to meet me halfway." She knew what she was doing but she still felt uneasy about it all but considering that he was finally opening up to her she wasn't about to let him down, wasn't about to betray him or abandon him.

"None of this was supposed to happen, it wasn't supposed to be this way." He mumbled as he held her a little tighter to his body as he let out a shuddering breath, and he was not talking about his injury. He closed his eyes for a brief second as her eyes glistened with tears that were threatening to fall before he opened them back up and looked at her with his own glistening eyes hating how empty he felt and had been feeling in the days since he had lost, since they had lost Andy because he had to remember that he was not the only one who had lost him.

"It wasn't but it has happened. It did happen. He's gone Kelly, he's gone and we have to learn to live with that. We have to remember him and honour him." It hurt her to say those words but she had to, not just for her but for him as well. She had no idea how they were supposed to move forward or learn to live with the fact that he was gone, or how they would honour him but it was something that they both had to figure out for their own sakes and each other's. She felt as his entire body shuddered against her own at her words, at the meaning behind her words as her tears finally fell silently down her pale cheeks. "You feel whatever you need to feel Kelly, allow yourself that." She had to remind him that he could let his walls down around her, that he could allow himself to grieve and be angry or feel any other way that he wanted too because he needed that release. She raised her hand up to his cheek and caressed it, feeling as his own warm salty tears landed against her fingertips as he finally let himself cry.


End file.
